I talked to him

I talked to him and he REALLY believes that I could do that to him. I cannot believe this. How could he believe I would do that to him as much as I love him? I can hardly write because I'm so shattered and the tears are rolling down my face. He says he needs time and then he tells me that he's told his whole family and he can't see getting back together because they all know. I know it's just a cop-out. If he loved me, it wouldn't matter what other people thought of me, just him. I would never cheat on Shayn. I didn't cheat on him when he cheated on me. I didn't get together with anyone when he'd dumped me for six months so that he could date other women and sleep with them without being considered a cheater. I NEVER cheated. I have never cheated on anyone. Cheating has hurt me so much that I couldn't dream of doing it to anyone else. Maybe I'm just naive...perhaps that's the way that I should have handled those instances...but I didn't and I don't regret it. It means more to me to be able to hold my head up high and to know that I've given everything to the man I'm with versus hurting him directly or indirectly by cheating on him. I feel so crushed and alone. I told him that I couldn't wait another six months like last time for him to decide whether or not he wanted to be with me. I told him that if he truly loved me, he'd just let me go. Don't have me holding on indefinitely in the hopes that he'd one day wake up and realize the person that I've been all along is the same person. The one who believes in loyalty to a fault and trusting your loved one and standing beside them. His friends were the ones who told me that he'd been cheating on me. I didn't believe them. I figured they were just being jealous. He later told me himself, not knowing that they'd already told me. How could he really believe that I'd do this to him? How? I love him too much to even dream of doing that. I am so hurt right now. I feel so full of pain and dejection. I just wish that I could move far away from everything and everyone I know and forget that he ever existed. Forget that WE ever existed. The hardest thing is that we've got a two year old son. We even went through a court custody battle over him two years ago. Thanks to the court mandated co-parenting classes we were able to learn to get along better and eventually we even reconciled. I am determined not to drag our son through this. I am even trying to make arrangements to have our order modified so that it's fair to both sides. I told Shayn Lee C. that I wouldn't talk to him or write to him anymore. It's going to be the hardest thing that I've done in a long time short of watching my baby sister fight her way back from a near fatal car accident. I don't know where to turn now. I feel so stupid and I feel so alone. How could I have ever gone out with my friends that night? If I hadn't, he would have never thought that I'd cheated. But that's not true either. He told me that he'd thought for months that I'd been cheating on him. I don't know what to say to that. I just love him so much and wish that it wasn't like this. I wish that I could convince him of the truth: the truth being that I haven't been with any other man since the day I met him. I've talked to guys out of anger and loneliness when I haven't felt I was getting enough attention from him...but this was always on the internet. I only went out with one guy during our six month separation and that was for breakfast at a place called the Wafffle shop in Carmichael and his name was Steven. I took my best friend along because I didn't want him to get any ideas and he and I both bickered back and forth so much that I didn't even touch my food. He was a strange one. After that, I thought he'd never want to talk to me again, but, he wound up calling me several times and wanting to get together. I figured he was interested in sex so I didn't call him back. He was a weirdo. I love Shayn so much. Maybe I love him too much. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over losing him. When I wake up in the morning...my heart shatters, because I feel the loss of him all over again. When I hold my son, tears spring to my eyes because I know he will be my only child. I will never have a child with anyone other than Shayn as I don't want my children to be like my siblings and I, having different fathers and the like. *sigh*I wish that I could just sleep the next year away and wake up feeling like a stronger, better me. That's not possible. I know that, but, it's hard to accept. If it weren't for my baby, I'd just try and take off to wherever and start a new life in a place where no one would ever know me and what I was like before I lost the person I thought I'd grow old with. I know this all must sound crazy...but, if I can't be honest in my blog, where the hell else can I be free to say these things? I don't want to burden my family with this shit...I can't call and tell Shayn Lee these things either. I just wish that he could understand me. I wish that he loved me the way I love him. I guess that's not always possible. Sadly enough, he's not the first man that I've loved and lost. I'm beginning to think that love is not in my cards. I only wish that I could have come to this conclusion before having a child with someone. It makes it so much more difficult to get over this. Before I'd pretend that the relationship hadn't happened and jump into something else. I learned the hard way that this method doesn't work. I'm so tired of loving and not being loved. I'm so tired of not being able to fully express the love I feel for fear of being hurt. I hate my life as it is right now. I hate myself for what I've brought on myself. I wish that I could wave a wand and fix everything for everyone and just leave them all behind for good....