Just another loss...

I haven't got any real plans for myself and my emotional betterment. I'm going to L.A. this weekend with my gf in order for her to interview for a new job in Maryland on Monday. I want to be really excited, but, things haven't been like they were between us in a minute so I'm wondering just how much I'll enjoy myself.

I haven't been the best of company because of a recent disappointment with a guy that I'd been seeing. Essentially it worked out that he only wanted to be casual...he only wants to be my friend although we've been intimate on several occasions and he made a habit of calling me daily, etc etc.

I don't trust my sense of judgement when it comes to people anymore. I feel so out of touch with what is and what my perceptions are. I'm beginning to be suspicious of everyone and their motives when it comes to being part of my inner circle.

Perhaps I should pick up some other equally destructive habit outside of men and then perhaps I'd be able to make sense of it all. I just don't know...

I wish that I could find someone to love me the way that I love...someone that I could feel the same thing for. I don't see it happening and it's very disheartening.

I need to change, but, I don't know how.

I want to be loved by someone else...but perhaps the true test is going to be loving myself..

WTF

This is supposed to be my year, what happpened????!!!! I've quit my job of three years and am starting another. I've killed the vestiges of the relationship that I was in and been thoroughly put through the ringer when it comes to "relating" to people of the opposite sex. Whatever happened to reliable astrology?

Changes...

My bestfriend is talking about moving to Baltimore. This is the second time that she's began seriously pursuing moving out of state. The first time that she did it, I was really bereft and went through a period of mourning sort of. At this point, while it doesn't make me happy to think of her leaving to move clear across the country, I'm slightly more resigned to it. I would never dream of trying to discourage her. We all have to do what is necessary in order to feel happy with our lots in life. Perhaps this move will help to make her feel more fulfilled. I cannot give her that...nor can I change her circumstances.

I wonder what it will mean for me. I suppose that it will mean that I will have to try and establish some real friends out here. I will have to crawl out of the mausoleum that I've established to hold my social life and began to try and get some ties that bind going. I don't know.

I suppose that since I've made so many big changes in my life, (ie going back to school and actually completing courses, changing jobs and getting rid of the only long term relationship that I've ever had), I feel that everyone should have an epiphany and make some positive changes. I'm sad, but I can't cry right now. I feel so numb sometimes...I want to give way to my sadness, but I have to think of what's best for her.

Frankly, she's not doing well here. She's unhappy with her employment options, her academic options and her dating pool. Maybe this will satisfy her restless spirit.

*sigh*

I will have an opportunity to visit someone out of state who isn't a guy. That would be nice. I just don't know. Maybe I should actually try and make some friends....

Am I blue....

I'm so tired. This week has been hell. I went to school only to find that my learning team has completely disintergrated. We have gone from five members to three with a good possibility that it will be two by the time it's all said and done.

My ex wrote me a note that made it perfectly clear that he's 110% so over our relationship gone bad which isn't a bad thing...only I'm still agonizing over it to a degree so it hurts that he's not. I know, it's irrational and a bit childish, but, misery loves company. His detached attitude makes the nearly five years that I spent with him seem to be a complete waste of time.

Had I had a good day, my perspective might be completely different, but I feel completely worn down and vulnerable.

I've found myself tempted to date several people...just because I like one or two things about them. I know that I should take my time, but, I feel impulsive and a bit reckless.

I'm physically tired and really want to confide in someone the feelings that I'm experiencing, but there's no one to talk to right now. I would love to lie in someone's arms and let the tears roll down my cheeks. Tears of frustration, loneliness, dejection....a multitude of things.


I feel so down right now....

It seems like forever...

..since I've visited here. I had a former "friend" who had made it a habit to visit here and offer their "insight" and that sort of put me off, but, time heals all wounds and who gives a shit about people who think they've got me figured out? Hell...I haven't even got ME figured out.

Well it's finally over with the father of my son...I mean really over. He asked me the other night if we were together and I told him no. No one else seems to think that we're an item and we certainly haven't spent this last year acting as if we were. I told him to go ahead and continue to date the woman that he was with and if he isn't with someone to find someone because we're both in transitional periods and I cannot and will not extend myself any further for the sake of this empty relationship.

The relationship with him killed a part of me. Sometimes I feel as if it was my very innocence. Sure the demise of my first "relationship" which resulted in my being deflowered :) was certainly significant, but, the effects weren't nearly as lasting. Four years of being broken down little by little...day by day. Being made to feel as if perhaps there really was something wrong with me because I couldn't be the person that he wanted me to be took a toll on my self esteem. I know, it almost reads like the teleprompter on Dr. Phil or Oprah, but it's true.

There was so little that he knew about me because when I would reveal the deeper things of my heart and mind, he'd either make light of them or try and debate them. Some things are beyond debating. The emotions that a person experiences are among them. You either feel a certain way or you don't...no one should try and tell you what you are feeling....I know...I'm beginning to ramble. There were also the instances where he'd reveal the intimate details of our fights or our sex life with his close relatives like his mother or his father that are just heinous. How could I trust that anything was confidential if he'd blow up and spout something off to whomever would listen?

There have been a great many things that he's done and said to me that I will never forget and that's sad because at this stage, I can only remember the negative things. If my son were to ask me at some point, what made me fall in love with his father, I couldn't think of a single thing that would make sense. I was young, rebounding, vulnerable, lonely...certainly nothing positive in there.

I cannot blame my ex soley for the demise of our union. After all, it takes two to tango. For all of the terrible things that he did, I for my part, was not better. I had the choice to go or to stay. Had I had the strength to leave years ago, I could have spared myself a lot of pain.

I am trying to reflect and think if there are any valuable lessons that I can carry away from this experience and I'm at a loss. I feel slightly shell shocked. I have kept myself a prisoner to the emotional and psychological abuses by choice...that was the only thing that I could come up with.

The lesson that I could gain from that is that if a person doesn't make you feel good most of the time...it's time to go. The positives should outweigh the negatives two to one at the very least. Common morals truly make a difference. Good communication...effective communication is key. Recognizing when it's ok to drop a subject or to let the other person win and when to continue to hold your ground is also important. Compromise is a big thing but you NEVER want to compromise yourself or what you believe in. Not for ANYONE. Give yourself over to love completely, even if you're terrified to do it, that way you have NO regrets...no matter what the outcome. You'll know that you did everything right to your knowledge.

I'm scared. I'm really afraid. I don't know what to expect...I felt great all weekend long, but, as I lay in the darkness this morning, alone with my thoughts, I was confronted by the truth. I'm in mourning and I'm afraid of the unknown. I don't doubt that there will be other men who come along and would like to start something with me. Truthfully..there have been several in the last year who have approached me but, I have been unwilling to commit to anything or anyone because of my ex. I am now afraid of finding someone and settling. I never want to feel for a man what I felt for this one..only to find myself, a child later and four years passed, with nothing else to show for it.

I have been going to the University of Phoenix since May. It's been working out well and for the first time in years, I've completed a few college courses. I'm also looking to get a day time job and to quit working the nights. I'm tired of being tired and I hardly see my son as I work M-Wed nights from 6 in the evening to 7 in the morning and then I have classes on Thursdays nights. His father takes him three weekends of the month so that leaves very little mom time. I'm afraid that my relationship with my son isn't as strong as it should be and it makes me feel guilty and angry that I have to work and go to school rather than having already completed school. I also resent having to raise him without a husband. I never wanted to be another statistic, but it would seem that that is just what I've become. Oh well, what are statistics other than numbers? Numbers that don't necessarily reflect the circumstances that brought people to where they are.

It is my goal to become a professional headhunter and to also run my own recruiting/staffing company someday. In the meantime, I'm hoping to get a degree and work in either Human Resources or with a staffing agency to see if I'd really enjoy the work and whether or not I'd be good at it.

I am tired and slightly depressed now and I've cried only enough for me to be certain that I must look like hell. I don't know where to go from here, but I've certainly got to try and continue to push ahead toward some goals that will offer a better existence for my son and I.

I've been in love twice and each time resulted in some sort of tragic ending. I'm beyond trusting that I will someday find my Prince Charming...they just don't exist. They don't exist for people like me. I could always settle for some of the weirdos who seem to be attracted to me, but, what would be the point? I went through my phase where I had sex because my body craved it and I wanted the attention.

I need something more...something deeper. I am afraid to even wish for something like that...I must sleep now...I've got two more interviews tomorrow and still haven't picked out a thing to wear!

What a difference a few months make

It's already April and the year's definitely been quite eventful. In January, I was in an accident that caused me to be out of work for over a month while I received physical therapy. The extent of my damage was primarily muscular, thus, I wasn't injured too severly. I am grateful that the other person was not injured too bad either. It was during this time that I had a couple of friends from the net sort of filter into my day to day life as they claimed to want to lend their support. One person in particular, whom we shall call Grady for the purpose of this blog, was especially supportive. He was always available to talk and would check on me periodically. After a while, he even began to call me on the phone pretty often to "check on me" and to see if I'd be interested in hanging out in real time.

It was flattery at first. After about the third or fourth time of letting him know that my plate's full and that I couldn't do that,it became quite annoying. I stopped taking his calls. I know, I know, the better thing to do would have been to tell him to stop calling me. Three or four weeks passed and he caught on to what I was doing so he changed his MO and began sending me text messages and constantly sending instant messages to my best friend whenever she was online. He did this all in an effort to try and find out what I was up to and what we were doing on the days that she was off work.

It got to be disturbing after he began to call me Mrs. Keller and didn't seem to care when I told him that I thought he was crazy and needed help! I sought the advice of a few friends and they all seemed to think that this guy wasn't going to leave me alone unless I told him outright to back off.

One particular evening I saw that he'd signed online and told him that he was really beginning to freak me out that I didn't find his messages funny. He responded with a message that it was never his intention to do that and if I wanted to lean my head on his shoulder at any time, I could contact him. RIGHT!

It's been about a couple of weeks and he hasn't contacted me again. He does, however, still send my bestfriend instant meessages!

School is going ok and I'm really happy about that.

Something really cool happened not long ago. I've known a person who's been in the military for about eight years. We've chatted for nearly six years! I finally met him on one of his trips back from Iraq! This guy can only be described as adorable. For one thing, he's this muscular Filipino guy with the greatest set of pecs and arms that I've seen in quite a while. He's got one of those faces that you just feel compelled to trust. His eyes and warm and inviting, always seeming to be filled with mirth. He's got a great smile and dimples to match. *sigh* I have no clue why I didn't meet him years ago but it was definitely worth the wait! I was so happy to find that he's sustained no injuries in spite of the fact that he's been over there for such a long time. He was easy to talk with and very intelligent, rather than being just another pretty face. I could easily fall for a guy like hinm..... Alas, he's going back to Texas. Isn't that how it always goes? Lol

A must see movie

For lovers of music and theatre...you must catch "The Phantom of the Opera". It was remade so well that many who've actually seen it performed live say that it is excellent!

I encourage you to purchase the cd...the scores are beautiful!


www.phantomoftheopera.com

www.gerardbutler.net :)

www.sonyclassical.com

Seasons change....do people?

In the final couple of months of 2004 I went through several significant changes in my personal relationships...mainly with men. Some of them were positive changes...others were painful, but apparently, necessary. Thankfully, I have emerged from 2004 with a better outlook on life in general and my circumstances don't necessarily seem quite as bleek.

I cut out the toxic relationships and cut ties with the people who wanted more than I could offer them. The people who wanted to take from me emotionally and physically but offered nothing positive in return were purged without tears or regret. I found that life is too short and sometimes the deepest wells don't offer good water, but rather muck and mire.

I made it a point to get out and spend time with friends at least once or twice a month. I took time off from my "relationship" officially and didn't waste my energy worrying what was to come of it. I focused my attentions on my son and my family and myself.

It's been good. I've managed to get back into school and I've found that things aren't so bad when you've got worthwhile things to do.

Life is certainly not perfect. I was in a car wreck last week and have spent the last week in bed suffering with spinal pain and migraines. Thankfully...the last day or so I've had no headaches and anticipate going back to work as soon as Monday.