..since I've visited here. I had a former "friend" who had made it a habit to visit here and offer their "insight" and that sort of put me off, but, time heals all wounds and who gives a shit about people who think they've got me figured out? Hell...I haven't even got ME figured out.
Well it's finally over with the father of my son...I mean really over. He asked me the other night if we were together and I told him no. No one else seems to think that we're an item and we certainly haven't spent this last year acting as if we were. I told him to go ahead and continue to date the woman that he was with and if he isn't with someone to find someone because we're both in transitional periods and I cannot and will not extend myself any further for the sake of this empty relationship.
The relationship with him killed a part of me. Sometimes I feel as if it was my very innocence. Sure the demise of my first "relationship" which resulted in my being deflowered :) was certainly significant, but, the effects weren't nearly as lasting. Four years of being broken down little by little...day by day. Being made to feel as if perhaps there really was something wrong with me because I couldn't be the person that he wanted me to be took a toll on my self esteem. I know, it almost reads like the teleprompter on Dr. Phil or Oprah, but it's true.
There was so little that he knew about me because when I would reveal the deeper things of my heart and mind, he'd either make light of them or try and debate them. Some things are beyond debating. The emotions that a person experiences are among them. You either feel a certain way or you don't...no one should try and tell you what you are feeling....I know...I'm beginning to ramble. There were also the instances where he'd reveal the intimate details of our fights or our sex life with his close relatives like his mother or his father that are just heinous. How could I trust that anything was confidential if he'd blow up and spout something off to whomever would listen?
There have been a great many things that he's done and said to me that I will never forget and that's sad because at this stage, I can only remember the negative things. If my son were to ask me at some point, what made me fall in love with his father, I couldn't think of a single thing that would make sense. I was young, rebounding, vulnerable, lonely...certainly nothing positive in there.
I cannot blame my ex soley for the demise of our union. After all, it takes two to tango. For all of the terrible things that he did, I for my part, was not better. I had the choice to go or to stay. Had I had the strength to leave years ago, I could have spared myself a lot of pain.
I am trying to reflect and think if there are any valuable lessons that I can carry away from this experience and I'm at a loss. I feel slightly shell shocked. I have kept myself a prisoner to the emotional and psychological abuses by choice...that was the only thing that I could come up with.
The lesson that I could gain from that is that if a person doesn't make you feel good most of the time...it's time to go. The positives should outweigh the negatives two to one at the very least. Common morals truly make a difference. Good communication...effective communication is key. Recognizing when it's ok to drop a subject or to let the other person win and when to continue to hold your ground is also important. Compromise is a big thing but you NEVER want to compromise yourself or what you believe in. Not for ANYONE. Give yourself over to love completely, even if you're terrified to do it, that way you have NO regrets...no matter what the outcome. You'll know that you did everything right to your knowledge.
I'm scared. I'm really afraid. I don't know what to expect...I felt great all weekend long, but, as I lay in the darkness this morning, alone with my thoughts, I was confronted by the truth. I'm in mourning and I'm afraid of the unknown. I don't doubt that there will be other men who come along and would like to start something with me. Truthfully..there have been several in the last year who have approached me but, I have been unwilling to commit to anything or anyone because of my ex. I am now afraid of finding someone and settling. I never want to feel for a man what I felt for this one..only to find myself, a child later and four years passed, with nothing else to show for it.
I have been going to the University of Phoenix since May. It's been working out well and for the first time in years, I've completed a few college courses. I'm also looking to get a day time job and to quit working the nights. I'm tired of being tired and I hardly see my son as I work M-Wed nights from 6 in the evening to 7 in the morning and then I have classes on Thursdays nights. His father takes him three weekends of the month so that leaves very little mom time. I'm afraid that my relationship with my son isn't as strong as it should be and it makes me feel guilty and angry that I have to work and go to school rather than having already completed school. I also resent having to raise him without a husband. I never wanted to be another statistic, but it would seem that that is just what I've become. Oh well, what are statistics other than numbers? Numbers that don't necessarily reflect the circumstances that brought people to where they are.
It is my goal to become a professional headhunter and to also run my own recruiting/staffing company someday. In the meantime, I'm hoping to get a degree and work in either Human Resources or with a staffing agency to see if I'd really enjoy the work and whether or not I'd be good at it.
I am tired and slightly depressed now and I've cried only enough for me to be certain that I must look like hell. I don't know where to go from here, but I've certainly got to try and continue to push ahead toward some goals that will offer a better existence for my son and I.
I've been in love twice and each time resulted in some sort of tragic ending. I'm beyond trusting that I will someday find my Prince Charming...they just don't exist. They don't exist for people like me. I could always settle for some of the weirdos who seem to be attracted to me, but, what would be the point? I went through my phase where I had sex because my body craved it and I wanted the attention.
I need something more...something deeper. I am afraid to even wish for something like that...I must sleep now...I've got two more interviews tomorrow and still haven't picked out a thing to wear!
