Where do I go from here?

It's truly humiliating to love someone and to not be loved back by that person. More accurately...it's humiliating to love someonewho doesn't recognize and appreciate the fact that you love them.

When a person takes your love for granted or doesn't acknowledge your feelings...it's quite demoralizing.

He is sucking the very life from me by playing these back and forth games and by attempting to emotionally blackmail me.

He seems to purposefully try to rile me and he tends to be disagreeable. I don't know why I can't just shake him and heal. Eventually..after an appropriate time...I'd find someone who was loving and considerate. Someone who had a job and an excellent work ethic and who didn't blame me for his not working..not having friends...not having anything to take pride in.

This person is emotionally abusing me and I'm so fucked up in the head that I'm allowing myself to be sucked into his twisted games. How do I just let myself go? Just tear myself free of the bonds....say to hell with the four years of history and write it off as a loss without feeling that the last four years were a total loss?

Why doesn't he love me? He says that he does..but he can't. No one treats the person that they love like he treats me. He's critical even when I'm trying to find common ground and make peace. He's disagreeable in most cases...why do I even want to be with him?

I used to love everything about him...now..after the way he's treated me since the fiasco six weeks ago...I'm finding it hard to remember what any of those things were.

I wish that we could both be honest about our feelings and trust what the other person says. It's all bullshit. I know...the relationship has gone to shit..but damn...I don't want it to be over this way.....WTF?

Sinking

I'm so lonely. I feel this deep yawning ache throughout my body and I want to cry but there is little reason for feeling this way. It's not logical...*sigh*.

Ever since the break up...I've felt it. Prior to the false accusations and the betrayal of my trust in him...I rarely felt lonely. Even when Shayn and I were miles and miles apart. Now as I sit in my bed...I think of how disconnected we felt the last time that we were together. There was an unspoken truce and we didn't argue...but we were guarded. There was little of the intimacy that couples share...we were just two people...killing a little time...hoping that there was no explosion of anger.

I'm not certain where to go from this point. I don't want to isolate myself..but it's too late. For too many years I haven't spent much time with anyone other than Shayn or my best friend. She's just as loony as I when it comes to men and is in hot pursuit of a guy who will never love her or want her as she loves and wants him. Her days and nights are consumed with trying to get him to feel a fraction of what she feels for him. All for love. I'm getting to the place that I just want to find someone to share my body with and keep my soul...or the essence of me to myself. It hurts to share who you are. It hurts doubly so when you do reveal yourself and a person rejects you or ridicules you. I feel too old to be feeling this way. I feel foolish...as if I should be past this point. I can not help it...I feel bereft and lonely and there is no one who cares or who can help...