Sinking

I'm so lonely. I feel this deep yawning ache throughout my body and I want to cry but there is little reason for feeling this way. It's not logical...*sigh*.

Ever since the break up...I've felt it. Prior to the false accusations and the betrayal of my trust in him...I rarely felt lonely. Even when Shayn and I were miles and miles apart. Now as I sit in my bed...I think of how disconnected we felt the last time that we were together. There was an unspoken truce and we didn't argue...but we were guarded. There was little of the intimacy that couples share...we were just two people...killing a little time...hoping that there was no explosion of anger.

I'm not certain where to go from this point. I don't want to isolate myself..but it's too late. For too many years I haven't spent much time with anyone other than Shayn or my best friend. She's just as loony as I when it comes to men and is in hot pursuit of a guy who will never love her or want her as she loves and wants him. Her days and nights are consumed with trying to get him to feel a fraction of what she feels for him. All for love. I'm getting to the place that I just want to find someone to share my body with and keep my soul...or the essence of me to myself. It hurts to share who you are. It hurts doubly so when you do reveal yourself and a person rejects you or ridicules you. I feel too old to be feeling this way. I feel foolish...as if I should be past this point. I can not help it...I feel bereft and lonely and there is no one who cares or who can help...