V is for Vampire

My girlfriend won't blog here because she says it seems as if no one reads the blogs. I guess that I can see her point..but I've got a few responses to my blogs..but this site isn't perhaps the most popular location. It does, however, suit my needs. I'm anonymous. I like my privacy. For someone who lives a day to day existence virtually invisible to the rest of the world...I find it comforting to vent in a place where no one is likely to find it.

The whole invisible theory has been brewing for a while now. I go out and don't get approached by people in general. No one notices me. Perhaps my appearance is nondescript...but I don't think that that's quite it. I think that there are certain people who wear their depression like a banner. Perhaps people see the hopelessness in my eyes...in my walk...does it give off an aura? I don't know..but I am a true vampire. I walk among the living by day and find myself drained and no one sees me...when I'm alive at night...I go unnoticed..what the hell? Dead but not living. A freaking vampire.

Test Results are in :)

I took a pregnancy test and it says i'm not pregnant! So there's only one other answer for this...I'm so stressed out that my menses didn't come this month. That's only happened once in my life and it was just a couple of months ago. I guess all of the things that are going on are just too much...either that or it's too early to detect a pregnancy..but that's not likely. I work on a labor unit in a hospital and the nurses were telling me that the test i took at home was likely just as reliable if not more reliable than the urine test that'd be used at the hospital. That gives me some degree of peace.

With that out of the way...I need to try and register for classes for next semester so that I can begin knocking out my prerequisites. I work twelve hour shifts at night and last night was so awful that none of us got a single break, much less a lunch. We had so many little mamas come in and it was really sad because so many of them were early or pre term. *sigh*

I've got to go back in this evening and I don't want to move out of bed..lol. Oh well...it's my last shift for this week so I can't complain.

Nothing a little white chocolate can't fix

I went to the grocery store yesterday evening. I had to get items so that I could fix dinner..which turned out to be a smash, by the way :). As I stood in the line of the self check out line...feeling slightly numbed and more than a little dejected, I glanced to my right and what did I happen to see? Limited Edition Hershey's White Chocolate With Almonds!

While the signficance of this might not strike you...here's the background story. I love white chocolate. I mean...white chocolate is just about as satisfying as sex in some cases...lol. Anyways..about two months ago, I was sick, so I had to go to the local Walgreen's drug store and pick up my antibiotics. While I wanted there for my prescription to be filled and to grab some things to relieve my symptoms, I saw these white chocolate bars. Mind you..these were the extra huge candy bars..not just king size. There hasn't been a white chocolate bar sold in my area in at least ten years so this was quite a find!

I bought three for three bucks figuring that they'd last me for the morning and that I could always come back and get more. I didn't get better anytime soon, but in a few weeks I was feeling in the mood for some so I took my nine year old nephew out and we decided to buy some.

We went to two or three Walgreen's that night and there were none! The whole experience left me in a panic and I decided to get home and log onto the net to see if I could buy some online. I couldn't find any evidence that they even existed on the Hershey's site. The closest that I came to finding them was on a blog. Speaking of which...I'll have to write to the girl and tell her that I found some at Albertson's grocery store. Whatever the case...

Seeing those bars last night...when I was feeling so down and totally hopeless..made my week! I'm so happy. Compulsive person that I am...bought at least twenty of them...I think I left four because I'd have felt guilty totally cleaning them out. So I've bagged them and put them in the freezer and left two out for my immediate gratification.

Ahhh...how sweet it is to have a little white chocolate in one's life! ;P

To Make Matters Worse

I think that I might be pregnant with a second child! I don't want to go through the whole custody thing all over again. While a second child would a financial burden eventually...thankfully I work three twelve hour nights per week. I just don't want to have to deal with him like this....

Just the mother of his son...

SLC had come to my house the last few days to "visit". What wound up happening was we spent a day together and when I found out that he'd visited some questionable sites, we got into a heated argument. Ultimately, I found out that he was on MySpace with a page up that listed him as "single" and interested in meeting people for "dating and friendship", If that weren't bad enough, he had a blog on there entitled, "My Son".

The blog isn't really about our son at all..but gives his side on how he wanted me to abort him when we found out that I was pregnant and how he's come to be happy with having a son. He talks about how he feels our son loves him better because he cries when he leaves and he obeys him more readily. If that wasn't insulting enough, he talked about me also. He told of how before we'd broken up and we got back together because he wanted to make things work because I am the mother to his son but that he doesn't feel anything for me. He said that he just considers me the mother of his son.

I also found an e-mail that he'd sent to a very attractive woman asking her what her weekend plans were and he asked if they could get together. The e-mail was dated less than two weeks before our four year anniversary.

It is stupid to feel anything for a person so empty and callous. The biggest problem that I have with all of these hurtful revelations is that he withheld his true feelings for me. Since he felt and feels this way...why not tell me so that I can leave? That's what a logical person does. That's what an honorable person does. A person with integrity. SLC has no integrity...no matter how good of a person he proclaims he is. He's cheated on me two times before and this is proof that he's either done it a third time or was about to.

I called him to call things off and to let him know that I will not stand in his way any longer. I told him that I could not understand why he wouldn't just let me know...rather than saying nothing and pretending to my face to care. We don't live together..we don't share very much...it's not as if we are dependent on each other to get by. He claims he did it when we were fighting..but that blog was written a month before he even broke up with me this last time! *sigh*

I hate that I've wasted so much of my time and energy on this ruse. I've been faithful to someone undeserving of it and I've possibly contracted a disease from him...*with these new findings, I've got to get myself tested to make sure he's not given me anything* I've lost so much for so little.

Why couldn't you just be honest SLC? Why not??? You told me that you'd come out here tonight and you didn't...you want to avoid a confrontation..but what you fail to realize is that you've hurt me so much that I'm too empty to cry....to yell...to do anything other than give you your things and ask you to leave.


How am I going to get passed this? Will I ever be able to trust that men will not just hurt me?



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