The bastard is a joke!

Ok...so he puts me through all of this emotional turmoil only to turn around and say that he wants to get back together. If that isn't enough, he claims that he still doesn't know if I cheated but figured this his suspicions weren't reason enough to end a relationship of four years....fine. So it's not enough that you've accused me of being a tramp and that you told your family, but, you're going to try and get back together with me without being certain that I did or did not cheat on you? What sense does that make? Is my p@ssy really that good? Makes one wonder......

Be that as it may, we still have the issue of our son. He took our son for a visit on Sunday although he'd agreed to pick him up on Saturday. He made some plans with his cousin and a long time friend to go out Saturday night so he was unable to take the baby until Sunday. I didn't have a problem with this.

Sometime during Sunday or Monday...some jackass managed to set a fire up near the forest where SLC lives. Our baby was born at twenty-five weeks versus forty weeks so he was considered a "micro preemie". This mean essentially that he was extremely small at birth and that some part of him were underdeveloped. We were very fortunate that the only thing that didn't develop that was a major issue was his set of lungs. Because of this...he's prone to respiratory diseases and infections.

So the fires are raging and SLC calls me Wednesday to come and pick up our baby because he's been coughing a lot and showing other symptoms of respiratory distress. I pick him up and spend the next few days tending to him around the clock. His treatments include administering meds that can make him vomit they are so bitter and disgusting to children, giving him albuterol and pulmicort treatments via the nebulizer and trying to get him to drink warm fluids like teas and soups. In addition to this...I'm hearing the crying and whining because he's not comfortable. I'm waking up because his nose and chest are so congested that he sounds like he's snorting like a piglet or something. I'm calling the advice nurse trying to determine if I need to take him into the doctor's office or if I should continue with the treatments that I'm giving him at home. Mind you...I'm sick too. Turns out that the baby's not sick from the smoke after all but from a cold that Shayn's mother had suffered from, at least, according to SLC. I've gotten sick because I've been caring for the baby. I'm tired and exhausted and have been taking care of other members of my family also. SLC's always telling me that when I need help with our son to call him first. He tells me to not even turn to the people that I live with first but rather to him. I told him that I'm exhausted and that I needed help. That I needed him to get the baby out of my hair so that I could get a couple of hours of sleep. He had the nerve to tell me that it's my weekend. Meaning that since we switch off on who gets to spend time with the baby on the weekends, this one is mine and he can't help me. I hung up in that bitch's face. Here he's the one who exposed our son to someone who got him sick, he sends him home sick and then he won't even give me a break for a few hours so that I can get a little rest? To hell with him!

Things you loved about me

that is so cute. Thank you. I guess this requires a list of my own.reverse order.5) Dimple...of course how hard was that one.4) You're a cool thief. I like your hands on my body but I'd rather you steel my heat. :)3) I love that you made a list. I know this sounds like a cheap way to fill in the 3rd slot but I'm happy you have at least once made a list of things you love about me...now hide the list of things you don't like about me and we will be fine.4) Your truck. lol no your son. lol no your just my speed...honestly thats the answer. You're just my speed in a lot of ways. Sex, of course. Going out?...when we have time between sports center and queer eye. I was going to go with food network but I don't know of any actual shows.5) Now this is my favorite one. My list is better. not good enough? Well how about how our feet touch when we lay in bed together. Even if we're angry at each other, (by the way we should never go to bed angry, I remember that from the gotman class...we were there like an hour and I remember a whole lot from that class.)Thanks for puting up with me. And thanks for the next year of putting up with me in advance. :)

Things I loved about You

1) Your smile ( the fake one where you don't show your teeth because I've grown used to it) and the real one because I always thought it was one of your best assets

2) Your enthusiasm ( you call it optimism, I call it insanity) It's refreshing to have someone who looks up rather than down...besides...this way we don't bump heads

3) The way you nuzzle your head against my chest when we're lying in bed and you want to snuggle...

4) Your ability to cry in front of me and the fact that you avoid doing it :P

5) How good it feels when you hold me in your arms


* I love you *

Falling into Oblivion

How insulting is it to find that you are no longer important to the one of the most important people in your life? It feels like being stripped of one's identity and becoming part of the background of life. Everything continues to be the same...at least...it appears that way. The people around you still laugh and celebrate the daily joys and suprises that life dishes out. People continue to make dinner plans and to go out on the weekends. You even half-heartedly attempt to join in. You make claims of long term goals and plans that you want to participate in. But deep down, in the back of your mind, you--the secret you that hides from every one else---knows that you are slowly dying. That person knows that you feel hope seeping away from you slowly just like blood from a cut. You feel your figurative eyelids become heavy as the hubub of day-to-day life continues in the foreground. It's just as loud and raucous as ever. One hot, solitary tear slides down your cheek and you're too tired to wipe it away. You fear that if you acknowledge it's presence by touching it...this feeling will be real and more will come. Your mind works frantically to think of all of....or ANY of those countless clichés that your friends and family have told you over the last few days....somehow they've lost their power in this dark place within you. Your secret self has a secret that none of them are privvy to. The secret person that you are knows that this isn't some phase....you are truly falling into oblivion...

SLC is a Murderer!!!

Ok...so he didn't really kill me but it feels just as intense as if he did. He wants to believe that I cheated on him. He told me that since he's told his close relatives...he'd look like a fool if he were to take me back. That's total bull shit! He even acknowledged that he doesn't think that I cheated but that he feels I WOULD have cheated or MIGHT have cheated in the past. He claims that he's felt this way for months....ummm...why didn't he bother to SAY anything about it then???? I know I must sound crazy...but I can't help but rant about it. Each time that I write here indicates one phone call I didn't make to him or e-mail that I didn't send to him. So in essence...this is another gift to him. As long as I write how I feel...I don't have to meltdown with him....lol. How ironic is that? I love him so much that I'm STILL considering his feelings? Or at least...respecting them and his wishes by not trying to talk things out with him. I've got to set some goals for myself and leave thoughts like these in the wasteland of self-pity and despair that I feel behind. Damn you SLC! How the hell could you do this to me???

Things to be grateful for....

My best friend in the world has suffered through a lot in her life. She's going through quite a bit right now. The thing I love the most about her is that she stands by my side as I make one stupid decision after another. Always ready to help me up when I fall and to reassure me that things will be alright. She doesn't bother to lie to me that things are going to be perfect or that they will even turn out in a way that I can be happy about. She helps me to realize that either way...I'll be able to make it through. As terrible as it all feels right now, at least I've got her. I remember being a younger person and feeling completely alone. I felt that no one understood me and that I'd never feel sane....not that I feel sane right now :) but at least I'm not considering suicide or anything drastic like trying to hurt someone or destroying something. I love her so much. I doubt that she knows how much. Please remember to take the time today to tell your support system how much you love them and care. You never know when the next crisis is coming....

I talked to him

I talked to him and he REALLY believes that I could do that to him. I cannot believe this. How could he believe I would do that to him as much as I love him? I can hardly write because I'm so shattered and the tears are rolling down my face. He says he needs time and then he tells me that he's told his whole family and he can't see getting back together because they all know. I know it's just a cop-out. If he loved me, it wouldn't matter what other people thought of me, just him. I would never cheat on Shayn. I didn't cheat on him when he cheated on me. I didn't get together with anyone when he'd dumped me for six months so that he could date other women and sleep with them without being considered a cheater. I NEVER cheated. I have never cheated on anyone. Cheating has hurt me so much that I couldn't dream of doing it to anyone else. Maybe I'm just naive...perhaps that's the way that I should have handled those instances...but I didn't and I don't regret it. It means more to me to be able to hold my head up high and to know that I've given everything to the man I'm with versus hurting him directly or indirectly by cheating on him. I feel so crushed and alone. I told him that I couldn't wait another six months like last time for him to decide whether or not he wanted to be with me. I told him that if he truly loved me, he'd just let me go. Don't have me holding on indefinitely in the hopes that he'd one day wake up and realize the person that I've been all along is the same person. The one who believes in loyalty to a fault and trusting your loved one and standing beside them. His friends were the ones who told me that he'd been cheating on me. I didn't believe them. I figured they were just being jealous. He later told me himself, not knowing that they'd already told me. How could he really believe that I'd do this to him? How? I love him too much to even dream of doing that. I am so hurt right now. I feel so full of pain and dejection. I just wish that I could move far away from everything and everyone I know and forget that he ever existed. Forget that WE ever existed. The hardest thing is that we've got a two year old son. We even went through a court custody battle over him two years ago. Thanks to the court mandated co-parenting classes we were able to learn to get along better and eventually we even reconciled. I am determined not to drag our son through this. I am even trying to make arrangements to have our order modified so that it's fair to both sides. I told Shayn Lee C. that I wouldn't talk to him or write to him anymore. It's going to be the hardest thing that I've done in a long time short of watching my baby sister fight her way back from a near fatal car accident. I don't know where to turn now. I feel so stupid and I feel so alone. How could I have ever gone out with my friends that night? If I hadn't, he would have never thought that I'd cheated. But that's not true either. He told me that he'd thought for months that I'd been cheating on him. I don't know what to say to that. I just love him so much and wish that it wasn't like this. I wish that I could convince him of the truth: the truth being that I haven't been with any other man since the day I met him. I've talked to guys out of anger and loneliness when I haven't felt I was getting enough attention from him...but this was always on the internet. I only went out with one guy during our six month separation and that was for breakfast at a place called the Wafffle shop in Carmichael and his name was Steven. I took my best friend along because I didn't want him to get any ideas and he and I both bickered back and forth so much that I didn't even touch my food. He was a strange one. After that, I thought he'd never want to talk to me again, but, he wound up calling me several times and wanting to get together. I figured he was interested in sex so I didn't call him back. He was a weirdo. I love Shayn so much. Maybe I love him too much. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over losing him. When I wake up in the morning...my heart shatters, because I feel the loss of him all over again. When I hold my son, tears spring to my eyes because I know he will be my only child. I will never have a child with anyone other than Shayn as I don't want my children to be like my siblings and I, having different fathers and the like. *sigh*I wish that I could just sleep the next year away and wake up feeling like a stronger, better me. That's not possible. I know that, but, it's hard to accept. If it weren't for my baby, I'd just try and take off to wherever and start a new life in a place where no one would ever know me and what I was like before I lost the person I thought I'd grow old with. I know this all must sound crazy...but, if I can't be honest in my blog, where the hell else can I be free to say these things? I don't want to burden my family with this shit...I can't call and tell Shayn Lee these things either. I just wish that he could understand me. I wish that he loved me the way I love him. I guess that's not always possible. Sadly enough, he's not the first man that I've loved and lost. I'm beginning to think that love is not in my cards. I only wish that I could have come to this conclusion before having a child with someone. It makes it so much more difficult to get over this. Before I'd pretend that the relationship hadn't happened and jump into something else. I learned the hard way that this method doesn't work. I'm so tired of loving and not being loved. I'm so tired of not being able to fully express the love I feel for fear of being hurt. I hate my life as it is right now. I hate myself for what I've brought on myself. I wish that I could wave a wand and fix everything for everyone and just leave them all behind for good....

Dumped and Hating it

Ok...the gloves are OFF! SLC. how in the hell could you do this to me? To US???? How freaking self serving is this decision to end four years because I was out all night and you found that I belonged to a few sex sites??? After all...you yourself have done the same thing and even wrote to women and suggested getting together. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you don't even bother to return my phone call???? *sigh*It would be simple to just move on and write you off as a loser. It would be easy to do that. However, I care for you and have been emotionally invested in you for far too long to want to do that. Cheat on you. What in the hell for? Revenge? The obvious reason. However, think about me and my personality. Haven't I had more use in holding it over your head that you'd done that and I hadn't? That's revenge enough. Why bother to use the excuse of going out with three other people while you were at my house rather than just doing something like that while you were out of town? None of it makes sense and you know it! Damn you for your stubborn mind and your foolish pride. Of course, both you and I can move on. We can meet new people and start new relationships and try the whole co-parenting thing. I know that I will always wonder what could have been had we bothered to give it all of our efforts rather than some. I certainly hope that you'd wonder the same thing. You told me before that you realized one of the reasons we'd reconciled in the first place was because you didn't think you could find someone who would love you as much as I did. Someone who would give so much of herself and yet you are willing to believe something so outlandish for the sake of what? Is there someone else for you? Are you, perhaps looking for an out without having to admit your own indiscretions??? I only wish that you could be open enough to rationalize this all rather than thinking with your figurative heart. If there weren't so much at stake, I'd just walk away. After all, it'd be so much easier to try and find someone more suited to my ideal of what a man should be. The trouble is...he wouldn't be you. He wouldn't try to make me laugh when I wanted to cry. He wouldn't rub my neck when I'm crabby and stressed out. He wouldn't take care of my car when I'm neglected it. He wouldn't know when I'm bluffing to cover my fear or insecurities and he wouldn't know how much I loved him even when I wasn't saying it. He wouldn't touch my feet when we were in bed together even when sleeping far far apart. *sigh*How could you do this?